Married Men Gather Outside Victoria’s Secret
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ST. CHARLES, MD An unusually large crowd of men gathered at the appropriately placed benches outside the Victoria’s Secret doorway in the St. Charles Mall yesterday evening, marking the beginning of the store’s End of Winter Clearance Sale.

The men, whose wives had gone inside in search of reduced prices on a variety of women’s undergarments, sat awkwardly, apparently embarrassed to be within 100 feet of the store’s entrance. Some paced, pretending to be deep in thought. They occasionally quickly glanced inside, begging to be set free from this painful waiting period, yet curious about what was inside the glowing pink store. As they glanced, they desperately hoped not to make eye contact with anyone around them—and especially not anyone in the store.

Eye contact with someone else’s wife was bound to lead every woman in the store to believe that he’s some kind of pervert—as well as to his wife’s wrath.

Eye contact with his wife would lead to her summoning him to leave his bench and make his way over the Blinding Pink Carpet of Doom and through the Medusa-like racks to her side, where she would force him to have an opinion about colors and fabrics—when his only opinion was that he hated this store.

Outside, they sat in silence. They sent looks of superiority to the handful of boys inside—to those who weren’t so strong as to refuse to enter, those who were still being tested (who had, in the married men’s eyes, miserably failed the test of True Manhood). Yet they felt a strange sense of pity for these young, inexperienced ones. For they had been drawn by the beautiful song of the Sirens. “Just come in for a minute. I just want to check out the sale.” And thus, they were trapped. Destined to spend their time trying not to lose their eyesight by staring at the carpet. Trying to pretend to have an opinion besides, “That’s fine.” Trying not to gawk.

For outside sat the real men. Those who had learned. Those who had stood up for their right to avoid compromising situations. Those who had no idea how much money was currently being added to their credit card debt.

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