School Replaces Speech Classes
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VANDERWAGEN, NM This year, students in the Vanderwagen school district experienced a change of curriculum. After much debate, Vanderwagen parents and administrators have decided that speech classes are no longer necessary. They’ve decided to replace these classes with classes in text and email communications.

“Stop and think about it. Who really talks face-to-face anymore?” Vanderwagen superintendent emailed us. “All our students do these days is text each other, so we decided to accommodate the needs of a new generation. Communication via text or the Internet is a very tedious thing. It’s important to teach our students about these things—to avoid misunderstandings. :)”

As of the 2013-2014 school year, students no longer have to take spoken communications classes—but they’re not getting off that easy. They’re now required to take several electronic communications classes.

Beginning in the elementary schools, students are now required to learn email decorum—or “netiquette.” In those classes, they learn about the evils of spam, about the correct and polite ways to email people, and where to find all of the things they’re not supposed to look at.

As they continue on in their classes, they also take classes in emoticons—both beginning and advanced classes. In the beginning class, they learn that a simple combination of a colon and a parenthesis can show emotion. As they continue on in emoticons education, they eventually learn to say a whole bunch of things, like [|`;^#~ (my cross-eyed brother who has braces and likes to wear silly hats is attempting to grow a goatee, but it just makes him look like a mutant).

But that’s just the beginning of the plethora of lessons students learn. They also learn all about acronyms—to make it easier to pose as a 25-year-old law student and pick up chicks online. For instance, they learn that typing LOL is much easier and hipper than typing HA! They also learn how to really simplify large paragraphs with just a few letters. Take, for instance, HKCNSLW, which means, “I’m supposed to be in bed right now because it’s 3 a.m. in my country, but it’s so much better to stay up all night and talk to you, even though you barely understand my language, and I couldn’t pronounce your name if I tried.”

Vanderwagen students say that they don’t miss speech classes at all. Besides, what do they need them for? After all, none of them really go to class. They all attend online.

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