Last-Minute Shoppers Force Mall Closure
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STAR, NC An estimated 984,293 panicked shoppers crammed themselves into the Lilac Court Mall yesterday. With Christmas just a matter of days away, shoppers suddenly realize that they have yet to begin their Christmas shopping.

The Lilac Court Mall, which houses eleven fine stores, has done approximately 86% of its average annual business for the year in the last three days. It would be selling even more between now and Christmas, but there’s nothing left to buy at the Lilac Court Mall.

As early as last Tuesday, stores began to close their doors, leaving nothing but signs saying, “Sorry—Nothing Left to Sell.” Quickly, one by one, the stores ran out of products to sell and were forced to terminate business until their next shipments arrive.

Yesterday proved to be a damaging blow for the mall. With every single person within a 900-mile radius of Star driving in to do their last-minute shopping, the remaining stores suddenly realized that they didn’t have enough products to satisfy them all.

Shoppers scooped up damaged lamps and ugly shirts—all at outrageous prices—just so they could get their shopping taken care of. But there just wasn’t enough to go around.

By 4:00 in the afternoon, it was clear that there was next to nothing left. And rumors led all 639,201 shoppers that were currently in the mall to flock to Hoopers’ Department Store, in search of the last three Chia Pets in the store.

In the brawl that resulted, thirty-six were hospitalized, though none were seriously injured.

Following the sale of the final Chia Pets, every single product in all eleven stores had been purchased, and the mall was forced to close its doors, much to the dismay of the remaining 372,290 shoppers—most of whom began looting the stores, bringing clothing racks, fake plants, and park benches home to wrap up for their friends and family.

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