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TROUTMAN, VA Troutman senior citizen Joseph Lambert used to suffer from a common fear among elderly men: the fear that his pants would fall down. Nothing appeared to calm him or assuage his fears. He was convinced that someday, when he least expected it—like when he’d be walking up to the front of the bingo hall to collect his prize—his pants would fall down.
He tried wearing suspenders, but he was quite certain that they weren’t doing the job. So he kept tightening his suspenders.
So Lambert then reached yet another dilemma. He could no longer tighten his suspenders. His pants were as high as they can possibly go. This upset him for two reasons. First, he still feared unexpected depantsing. Second, he had recently become aware that his armpits were becoming cold, and he needed some way to keep them warm.
That’s when Lambert—along with his wife, Gert, a former seamstress—invented Armpit Pants. The Lamberts’ Armpit Pants feature that extra fabric above the waistline that actually reaches the elderly man’s armpits, thus keeping him warm. The pants also feature suspender-like shoulder straps that make it virtually impossible for them to fall down.
Armpit Pants, which can be found in an increasing number of gentlemen’s fine clothing stores around the Troutman area, can also be ordered by calling the toll-free number: 1-888-ARMPITS.
The pants come in a variety of colors and styles. They currently include Casual Pits, which come in a variety of shades of brown polyester, as well as Dress Pits, which come in black and navy (and will soon include full suits), and Leisure Pits, in a variety of stylish colors, such as powder blue. A line of Short Pits is expected to come out in time for the summer, and a line of Plaid Pits will be released in the fall.
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