New Drug Developed to Cause Premature Baldness
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CLARKSVILLE, TN Leximulinet Corporation announced today that its search is over. For decades, Leximulinet, a major medical producer, has been searching for a cause for premature baldness. Now, their chemists have found that cause, and the company is ready to bring it to the public.

The new product, called Baldify 3000, is expected to be released August first. It will be available only by prescription for the first six months. This formula will only be prescribed to those who either (1) have a darn good reason to need to be bald or (2) pay their doctors enough. As of February first of next year, Baldify 2000, a diluted formula, will be made available at drug stores everywhere.

And the product couldn’t have come at a better time. Today, people are just plain sick of hair.

  
 
Men are sick of hair because it’s just something on which they have to waste all that extra time: washing, combing, styling, cutting. All of the coolest guys are bald these days—like Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, and Woody Harrelson. And besides, it just gets in the way sometimes. It’s just a lot easier to burn things if you don’t have to worry about your hair catching on fire.

Women are sick of hair because it covers up a man’s natural beauty—his character and charm. Or maybe it’s just because men’s bald heads are all squished and dented and bumpy, and they give women one more thing to laugh at men about.

Besides that, hair just acts as padding—when some men really need to feel the full effects of being smacked upside the head.

No matter what the reason, bald is in. Hair is out. Literally.

And Leximulinet is poised to take advantage of the latest trend.

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