Automatic Tellers Threaten Strike
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NEW YORK, NY The Automatic Tellers’ Union announced yesterday that it intends to go on strike if its demands aren’t met.

The Automatic Tellers, the men and women who sit inside ATMs and give you your money, feel that they are overworked and underpaid. They work long hours doing a boring job, and they’re given no recognition.

“Think about it,” said ATU spokesman Bob Kimball. “Have you ever met anyone who, when asked what he or she did for a living, told you that he or she worked as an Automatic Teller? No! That’s because we’re not allowed to tell you that we exist. The banks want to think that ATMs have big, sophisticated computers that check your account information and give you the exact amount of money that you want. They want you to think that you’re experiencing some work of pure modern, technological genius. Instead, they’ve just made these things that are just like drive-up windows, except you don’t have to deal with cranky tellers. But we’re still there. And we’re all cramped up inside those little things. And we demand recognition. And some thanks. In the words of a great woman, all we want is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.”

Big important bank guys adamantly deny the ATU’s claims. “We have no clue who these people are or what they’re talking about,” International Bankers Association spokesman Uri Chandler told reporters. “Little people in ATMs. Don’t be ridiculous! Why would we do something so stupid when we have such amazing technology? These people are just conspiring against us, and we won’t take it. Besides, they can’t prove anything because we’ve destroyed all the evidence.”

It seems as though the ATU and the IBA will be unable to work things out, and ATU members will be forced to go on strike—or worse. If you try to get money out of your local ATM, you may find that it’s “Out of Order.” Or, if you are able to make a transaction, count your money carefully because the ATU has threatened to “really screw things up” for the IBA.

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