Psychic Friend Calls It Quits
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SCOTLAND, CT Frank Zwiebhof gave up all hope of leading a happy and successful life yesterday when Zelda, his long-time psychic friend told him that she could no longer be of service to him.

“What am I going to do?” he asked his sister, Louise. “My life is over! Even my psychic friend gave up on me!”

Zwiebhof has been conversing at least once daily with Zelda for the past twelve years. In that time, she has helped him with every major decision in his life. She’s helped him choose the right career path. She’s helped him decide where to go for lunch. She helped him avoid three major car crashes that definitely would have taken place had he been on the wrong road at the wrong time. And she helped him choose boxers over briefs.

“I never make a decision without talking to Zelda first,” says the 43-year-old manager of the Scotland McDonald’s. “She’s made me the success I am today, and I just don’t know how to go on without her.”

Yesterday’s announcement came as an amazing shock to Zwiebhof, and he’s refused to leave his house. His sister, Louise, says that Zwiebhof had called Zelda to ask her for advice about a woman he met at work, when Zelda told him that she was losing her psychic connection with him and that she would no longer be able to be of assistance to him. Says Louise, “My brother has a hard enough time keeping friends. Apparently, he can’t even pay $3.95 a minute to have a close friend for life.”

Zelda (otherwise known as Jessica Smith) was contacted yesterday, and she revealed that she’s finally received her doctorate in sociology from Yale, and she’ll no longer be able to take Zwiebhof’s calls. “It was a great way to make money—and I’ve definitely learned a lot from that job—but it’s time to move into the real world. I’m quite sure that Frank will find another psychic friend. I’ve already referred him to my friend, Rosalie.”

Meanwhile, Zwiebhof has been reported to be in serious condition because he no longer has anyone to tell him that it’s safe to get out of bed.

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