Abductee Claims Aliens Harmless
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DUTCH NECK, NJ After hearing all of the terrifying stories about alien abduction—and about all of the terrible things that aliens do to their subjects—Carson Wagenmaker was surprised to discover that aliens really mean no harm to the human race.

And he should know. He learned first-hand.

About a month ago, Wagenmaker was abducted from his home in Dutch Neck. He was sitting quietly in his recliner, watching Wheel of Fortune, when he saw a bright green light suddenly appear out of nowhere. The beam seemed to come for him. To call to him. He got up and followed it, and the next thing he knew, he experienced a strange feeling of weightlessness. Then he slipped out of consciousness.

When Wagenmaker awoke, he was in a strange room. It was a large, empty room, with nothing decorating it but a large silver table and four chairs. At that time, a door opened, and in walked three men.

“They really didn’t look any different from us. Except they only have one ear. But, other than that, they look just like any other human being,” reports Wagenmaker.

Horrified, he waited for one of them to start poking and prodding him. Instead, one spoke.

“Do you know how to play Euchre?” asked one. Wagenmaker told them that he did, in fact, know how to play Euchre—that he was actually pretty good at it.

“Good,” replied the same little man. “Zorkon needs a partner.”

The men then pulled up a chair and motioned for him to sit. He obeyed. They brought out chips and pretzels and nuts and beer—and a deck of cards—and they all began to play.

After several rounds, Wagenmaker and his new friend won. He was then transported back to his home, where he awoke to find that Pat had just handed out another prize.

“See? Aliens are perfectly harmless. They just wanted to play cards. Then they brought me back, and it’s obvious that they did nothing to me. Of course, their transporting system could use some adjustment. It brought everything back but my ear.”

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